Memory & Meaning

My identity has evolved credit to the past. It’s a story that is in progress. The wrinkles on my forehead are not just lines caused by the sun but of the time that aged me. I am the only storyteller of my life.

In this broken world I am trying to remain who I am. Grounded and authentic. Yet mould that story of my life with intent.

Memory is not just information from the lived life it has Meaning !

I know the promising potential in memory !

Heel Down

Today I did arm exercises. Grip and pull. Position. My trainer instructed hip out. Heel down.

It brought a smile. Remembering those days 2 decades ago when 🏹 his observations caught me unawares. 

“You are not walking in correct posture!” Me with my PCOS tummy, my posture has always been lacking perfection. How could I tell him that. He in those times would have concluded she is just eating too much or the wrong things, I would have thought. But he would say eat but also exercise. I was not into exercise at the time until I signed up for the weekend training camp that I mentioned about. 

Then he showed me how to walk in the passsage outside our Tuesday meeting place. Heel down. He said that gives  a firm grounding and correct posture. Remove your slippers, walk and show. I followed his instructions. Always teaching and correcting me. 

When I am consciously walking even today his voice echoes to surprise me out of the blue, Heel down!

Note: Day 2: 9.30pm Felt the energy. Re-occurrence. Deep connection. 

Cancel Surround Sound

I am cutting out the Surround Sound. Any thing not aligned to my thinking is removed from my social media. Anyone not aligned to my way of life will also be removed from my network. I am loosing a lot of people. 

There are so many from my network who are trying their best to convey messages through different ways without being direct. I appreciate the support. 

Others call me mad. That I am.

Who loves anyone for the sake of love?

Felt The Energy

Science says you are in Alpha state and so subconscious brain process caused sudden dopamine spike.

It felt real. That there is emotional mirroring.

There is no need to rush to conclusions! 

Science is known information only. There is so much that is unknown beyond science!

My Krishna

When I have made him my Krishna, I can imagine anything! 

But here are some facts about him 🏹

1. He is a sadhu. Unaffected by worldly things. 

2. Never scrambles to the stage even after his contribution in Corporate nor Charity. I have pictures of him sitting far behind in the inaugural ceremony of Aadiriyedath though everything is named after his daughter. His Dad was at the front. 

3. At work too even when he was in his mid 30s never ever craved for attention. Never liked to pose for pictures for his accomplishments on job. 

4. Always put his team first.

5. Never waited to listen to praise.

6. He is very gentle, soft spoken, caring. I have received a lot of it. 

7. At home he is just a son. His Dad did not know his job profile or post until I told him. When his Dad visited my home along with younger son, both highly qualified wonder how they never asked him, they listened with rapt attention about 🏹 achievements at work ! My Dad was present at the time too.

8. His Dad immediately knew how much I was in love with his son. Whatever his Dad told me privately later about his own son when I went to see him off to the car was very nasty 🤐 I relayed it to 🏹 immediately and I was distanced! HARD FACT. This is him too! I am still hurt about it 😓 

9. He has amnesia. Promised calls are not made ! 😡

10. His nakshatra says that soon that amnesia will go away and there will be 🌱

Influences

Who you love always influences your thinking !

There was a time when 🏹 had said to train for the 2 Oct Marathon our Company organised. He said I will also come. That was a ploy! 

I joined the training 3 months ahead. Started commuting from my Bank colony home to Sarjapur every weekend morning. Arjun Devaiah the international athlete and sprinter was our trainer at the time. He motivated a lot and kept the training a lot of fun. I enjoyed all the rough games. In one such practice session I hurt my knee. He immediately gave me first aid massage and spray. Then I would do just the lighter exercises. He told me don’t be under pressure to run. That 🏹 is a long time marathoner. Don’t do like him. He came only once after his practice run of 35kms. Never for our sessions. Arjun said even if you walk on the final day I will be happy as your trainer!

I did jog for 5kms on the D day inspite of the injury. 🏹 did the Marathon almost to the last and on a speed breaker he injured himself and ended up with a ligament tear that year. Else like every past year He would have won it !

I used to have a very beautiful picture of 🏹 clicked by the official photographer from that marathon in action. When I showed it to him in the company news he didn’t care for it much. He is such a Sadhu! But I would have atleast appreciated the photographer’s skill. These are the things I disliked about him. 

One day years later in my anger I deleted it. I miss seeing it now. I should have preserved it to send it to him at 60 !

Last Oct exactly on the 2nd I slipped at home while vacuuming. It was a nightmare to say the least I had a spine fracture! 

Fortunately I have one of the best doctors in the metro. He had done spine surgery for Dad in 2021. So I knew I was getting the best treatment. What followed was 3 months of bed rest, 6 months of hormone therapy and recovery. After which Doc advised to start strength training. Due to the lack of stability in my life I was not able to start for few months.

Yet again a challenge by D who has always been our confidante. She said keep yourself fit. She knows exactly what to say to me 🥰 to take inspiration from 🏹 Yes he is very well preserved even now ! 

Like magic 🪄 it worked. I have joined the gym and enjoying it. My fear of machines has vanished and I am enjoying my workouts. It helps that the trainer is really good and pushes me to step up ! 

P.S : My wellness journey started after Dad passed away in June 2021. I had lost purpose in life. Was at the worst health situation. Yet I knew that I have to take care of myself as I was alone and no one to care for me.

I first signed up with a functional nutritionist, Janaki. She is a family friend. Lost almost 6kgs weight. It wasn’t even my goal. 

Then until Oct 2025 I was doing CrossFit with a trainer Bhumika Patil who is also my relative. I actually started enjoying it all credit to her. 

So I have been on this wellness journey for 4 yrs now ! Though I had that break of 10 months after the fall. Else it would have been 5yrs.

A Pink Rose

Today my bakery sent me a Pink Rose for no reason. It added some love to my day. 

Earlier I would have been skeptical about such gestures by commercial establishments. I would have called it gimmickry. 

Today felt it was lovely!

One must know their own needs. At the right age and time. We in Bharat after the British have become totally suppressive in our behaviour. Adults don’t understand their own feelings and suppress their own needs. It’s that Paap movie syndrome. As a child you have been told to suppress your emotions and needs because you are given a pedestal. Making it a virtue of suppressing emotions 🖤

One thing I learnt from my guest to know oneself well. To understand one’s feelings and needs. Growing up in a joint family we don’t consider the need for privacy, independent space, bodily needs. Everything is a mess! 

This guest has come from a different continent and with clarity about how to set up home for himself in a hostile city like Mumbai. 

1. Need of Independent space.

2. Needs love so will look for girl. He asked me where to meet a nice girl? I told him workplace is best as Common interest and BGV is done already. 

3. Needs support so will provide support. Truly good investment I say ! 

4. Home to be at a distance from work.

5. Will host parties for his white friends. Keeping in touch with his culture.

6. Assimilation in Indian culture. Appreciates eating with hand. The thoughts behind our traditions and religion. 

7. Follows his own beliefs though born Catholic. 

Methods work ! 

Like the pink rose my bakery sent. I feel valued as a customer.

Tired today !

Some days start tired!

I don’t think I have the energy anymore for living on my own. After taking care of everyone else and living alone for 8yrs now I am drained completely. 

While my Dad lived he was a great companion. Used to help me out and cook sometimes. We had other challenges. 

Marriage was majorly on my shoulders with Arvi keeping bad health. Atleast he was there to talk to. The good thing was we both worked from home at the time so we maxed on the time spent together. It was a good friendship. 

Those who can read between the lines would understand it’s been HARD. 

Money doesn’t comforts the soul. Last year even money was drained ! 

I have enough of a story no one would want to read. 

Yet I am grateful for whatever I have been given, experiences, love, loss and above all OPTIMISM !!!

But today I need someone to care for me. To tell me this is just a phase. This too shall pass. I had such simple dreams.

Those were turbulent days

A pic of me eating my dabba at my desk from old times.

Those were turbulent days…

When 🏹 a loner started talking to me. I didn’t quite like him even though he was very handsome. To many he was a snob, not friendly, a closed person. It is the Outdoors that softened him and the sweet things he said made me love him. He is undoubtedly a kind heart I discovered. It is those numerous sweet gestures that fill my heart with joy n love even today! 

When I go back in time I had actually forgotten those hard days. I was going through a heartbreak and He was going through multiple problems in life. The loss of important papers by an irresponsible Financial institution. Loss of harmony. A young child and a corporate life filled with unpredictability. He was sleepless. 

When we talked it was always about our challenges and how to overcome them. He was not even eating properly back then. I spent so much time trying to talk to him and make him understand that sometimes we have to make choices and decisions. Now when I read those posts it feels draining ! 

I am really grateful to Shree Gondavalekar Maharaj for keeping me positive through my life ! Through all the storms. I may be worn out but still survive to tell my story…

 I didn’t want to write today but here I am. I wonder how much more I hold deep inside me!