Thoughts on Mother's Day 2020

 

Mothi Aai, My Aai and Devaki Kaki

Reading everyone's tributes to their Moms. I have very complex feelings.

1. The circumstances in my home made my Aai go to live in Thal when I was 14yrs old. So in that sense I became independent then on. Taking care of myself. Trying not to be a nuisance to others in the family. Trying to help out as much as possible. I have been a straightforward person so it's been difficult dealing with everyone and the power dynamics in joint families. When Aai came back with what initially looked like stomach ache and we found out it was Ovarian Carcinoma of grade 3. I just did not allow anyone else to take care of her not even my Dad. She did not expect it from me. I assured her these were her sanvskar. She passed away within 25 days of diagnosis, 18 blood transfusions that resulted in a massive heart attack. It's 26 yrs. It's been a tough journey without her.

2. We lost Devaki Kaki 2 yrs after my Aai. Our family suffered blows after blows. S was barely in the 8 Std. H moved with me and Dad to Nerul home after couple of years. After another 2 yrs S joined us along with P Kaka. I was responsible for 4 men. I was working as an Environmental Engineer at that point. Travelled every 2 days to Industrial areas in Maharashtra and Gujarat. I cooked, cleaned and kept the house. I asked for help from all 4 men. Got some flak for it. I tried to be a mother and it was not easy. I was only 28 when I started being. The responsibility and my younger uncle's ideology of no kids had a huge impact on me. I never dared to have kids of my own. Many times even when I wasn't married I pondered on adopting but did not act on it. I never had the courage to become a Mother.