Psychologist says 9

The last line is what it is !

I AM ALIVE.

Shree Gondavalekar Maharaj held my hand and stopped me.

When the person who caused the TRAUMA and left me to suffer because she did not have time to reply to my messages. 

Why get into POLICING when you cannot do SUPPORT? People DO NOT realise there is a RESPONSIBILITY they need to carry.

I struggled but came out of it. Got some support through friends who I called home to stay the night with me. Physical presence makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE. 

It was CRUCIAL. 

Some friends like D who stayed on Chat. Understood my state. D tolerates me when I have these phases. She is always firm. Some friends who talked to me on phone. Some just listened. It took a village to help me. 

 

Most people don’t care if you are alive or Dead. 

The hardest part is living alone and surviving. 

I AM STILL ALIVE.

श्रीराम 🙏🏽🌹 श्रीगोंदवलेकर महाराज🙏🏽🌹

Psychologist says 8

I thought I never cared for validation from the world. However when it is your close coterie it means a lot. When it’s family we think they are not like minded. However close coterie are ones you choose because they are like minded.

Validation of a certain thought or action is also important. A situation could be more complex than your friends are aware of. So instead of rapping the knuckles directly all that one expects is a little questioning into why a certain action was done. 

An innocent memory blows up into moral policing. High handness and non support. That tiggers TRAUMA. It was done intentionally! 

Shutting off a voice. 

The difference is when D corrects me she also sees me through it. She doesn’t abandon me. She has been my support all through the 20yrs in this matter. Her language isn’t hurtful. She knows a lot about my life and she takes that into consideration when she voices her opinion. I know she gets angry with me. However she always listens to what I have to say. I too get angry but I am assured of validation. 

If anyone means to correct anyone be sensitive because your validation matters to the person. What do you do with all the information you had about me? About the life I live, the circumstances I face everyday. Inspite. That I continue to hold my CHIN UP ! 

This whole episode had a BUTTERFLY EFFECT ! 

The fear mongering that led into unimaginable DARKNESS. 

Be more responsible with your opinions my close coterie people. It could be dangerous for the suffering one.

I DON’T expect it from the whole world. 

THE WORLD IS HARSH.

Psychologist says 7

I am a survivor! Through everything that I have lived through I have floated literally. Not because I am not sensitive. I am. However the strong belief that the tribulations of life does not affect my soul, never allow it to affect. This is what Shree Brahmachaitanya Gondavalekar Maharaj teaches and I have survived on it. Infact I have told my loved ones that my happiness does not depend on them. Something my Dad lived by, he would tell me n Aai, that his first relationship was with Shree Maharaj ! It used to make me possessive. Yet I was trained by that conviction. I am happy because my soul is happy. There have been challenges but I know I am protected. That is why I have survived ! 

श्री राम 🙏🏽🌹

 

मनभावन श्रावण with Dr. Dhanashree Lele

A lovely evening exploring मनभावन श्रावण with Dr. Dhanashree Lele. Her research and command over the subject made her lecture truly delightful. She revealed Shravan through literature, poems, songs, Ovis and Santawani. 

About Shravan being the time to breed, grow and generally the moistness makes us soften. The festivals teach us to give in this period. How it is about being in jodis because nature and the creator wants us to flourish. She left us pondering on the loss of these values and traditions.

Being an educator she uses a screen  presentation to add effect. Her distinctive style of delivering this talk interspersed with anecdotes kept everyone engrossed for 2 hrs. 

Shrirang Bhave sang ‘आई असते श्रावण’ to close today’s program. Kudos to DSM for bringing to us such cultural rich experiences 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

I am making it a habit to dress up for these events like in my childhood when we went to watch Marathi theatre. My Aai always wore silk sarees and a gajra in her hair. Baba in his posh clothes too. Followed by a meal at one of the Marathi restaurants in Girgaon. Those were wonderful times that I am reminded of today…

Cut to now…As I stepped out of the Chabildas school Shree Krishna Batatawada beckoned. Brought home a parcel and ate with Pav I had at home. Dessert was 2 bananas. 

A magical evening indeed !

Psychologist says 6

Thankfully even when Hijacked I did not make wrong choices. Just tried to make the best ones in the midst of it!

BUT THIS BAD EXPERIENCE HAPPENED TOO

Sometimes we see 🚩 red flags but take the risk. Like the ONE I hired. She wanted me to hide that I engaged her. Right from the start her talk was dicey. Her body language gave me hints. The overacting told me that she was not genuine. Fake presentations, turning her back to me to hide her evil intentions. I saw through everything. My mistake was trusting her, we shared a history. She is a SMOOTH SWINDLER. Made me sign agreements. Took my money and did not fight for me. She looted me and almost made me bankrupt! 

What she is doing is wrong. I have fought with her. She tried to justify that it was her fee for advice. Well she has sowed the seeds of BAD KARMA. I am here to watch her downfall and the world will be witness too. The RULES OF THE UNIVERSE take over from here. Loss of Matru Chaya is the beginning. The solution is to return my money. To SAVE HERSELF.

First Contact

I was just going back in time. The first time after a decade, 11 yrs to be exact. I randomly thought I must talk to you. This was some months after my Dad had passed away. I had a deep urge to reconnect. 

That first contact wasn’t coincidence. I understand it now. Though it was a random thought which I acted upon.

Were you expecting me to call ? How would I know about your surgery?? We don’t have common friends who will share info about each other right ? Or may be you do.

I am writing here like as if you read my blog. May be you might someday read this. 

May be one day you will not fight the reality of your emotions and thoughts. May be you will accept the TRUTH. 

Psychologist says 5

This is what it is ! Please don’t blame the person suffering. The person understands but is helpless due to impact of the trauma. How much can one person take? Teen years struggling in a joint family. Loss of mother at 24. Heartbreaks. Late Marriage. Loss of husband in short span. Fighting Legal battles with greedy people. Being cheated by Solicitor. 

Now friends who think they are helping me heal and inflicting more trauma !

Just imagine if you lived my life ? But we never do that ! 

STOP !!!

KINDNESS IS BEING SUPPORT.

Psychologist says 4

This is 100 % true. I will add that the intent to cause FEAR is at the back of it all. Following it neglect and invalidation. If one does try to correct another there has to be support. Not clamping down of voice. It therefore indicates POWER PLAY. 

Psychologist says 3

My life, my journey, my pace. No rush. No right and wrong. Just deal with situation. Live in tiny moments. Happiness is finding YOUR way through it.

Psychologist says 2

Thankfully I don’t freeze. However I slow down. I notice this because I am a natural quick decision maker. I do struggle with sleeping in doing nothing until boredom when there is no decision to be made. Don’t know if there is a connection but I don’t like to do anything like cooking cleaning chores when I am overwhelmed by trauma and I think that is a normal response. So I take it slow. Anyways I don’t have anywhere to go or don’t have deadlines to finish. 

Psychologist says 1

A new series to help understand trauma and responses. 

After a life of challenges which I absorbed when younger, my capacity to handle triggers is reduced. 

No one can help. Not family not friends. What friends can do is just be there without trying to take control, without judgement. Listen if you can. Else just hold hands. 

Professional guidance helps. Fortunately I have been able to help myself and it takes time. My sole aim in to protect myself from triggers. Have to find a solution to deflect any such situation with minimum suffering.

It takes TWO to Tango

The world has a way of denying lived experiences.

I myself am old now. A storage of beautiful memories. The not so beautiful thoughts are conveniently forgotten. Human nature does not like to dwell on HURT.

After 13 years why did destiny want me to reconnect? I am directionless and clueless. 

How do you know it is me?! You were so sure it was me. Why are emotions high 🖤?  Why did you fill me up on your life? Like you wanted me to be witness to it? Why you cannot handle my emotions? Yes it is Overwhelming. It’s been so long…

Right now there is silence. No activity since May 2024. 

It takes TWO to TANGO. Let life unfold. No one knows their EXPIRY DATE. Until then there is TIME. 

Not for nothing it is said there is no place for an outsider to speculate. 

It is the lived experience that is the ONLY TRUTH. 

Silence after the storm

I have faced many storms in life but last few weeks were the worst. It is not the impact of a happening but the constant weathering that happens throughout life. Like the river that carves a canyon. 

When I went to Guruvayur and Thrissur I had planned to not to dwell on references or connections from the past. However as destiny has it. I went down a vortex. 

Solo travel is very challenging for me on the psychological front. My deepest emotions 🖤 surface. All the possibilities that could have been, haunt me. This has happened in Ooty and Coimbatore too in the previous years. This did not happen in Odisha even when I was solo there.

It feels like Quantum physics comes to the forefront. I am sensitive and aware of the energy and its effects. How can I explain this ? I am not in control of the thoughts. Why should these thoughts find a home in me? 

I don’t have answers. 

Recent one was bad and I even had DARK thoughts. 

Appeal to Readers 

Online interactions have no TONE. No one can understand what goes on in the suffering MIND. Don’t be a TRIGGER. 

You might come from a space of concern and care but you are not a professional to help in the matters of the mind. Not even friends if they are not sitting next to the suffering.

I was clinging to the thoughts because the reaction is to protect the thoughts. I used every possible energy to resist. I felt my deepest emotions were attacked.

It took me 10 days to cut the chain of thoughts. Slowly I eased out of that ABYSS. 

What helped is physical presence of friends. I called a young couple who are friends for a sleepover. Spent a lovely time talking into the night. Sharing a simple dinner followed by dessert. A breakfast we cooked together and enjoyed on my balcony. Taking in the views and weather. A relaxed time. They came back again to check on me the next day too. They noted that there was a change. I was FRESH and HAPPIER. 

I reflect now…

After the storm that washed you away, there is silence. The clarity bares the bones. 

You see what the storm did to you.

You rebuild.

Resilience.

Shree Gondavalekar Maharaj saw me through this too.

श्री राम 🙏🏽🌹

Perfect Blessing

Today's Reflection

The UNIVERSE knows what you need at the perfect time.

Never feel sad about what you did not receive.

May be you don't need it.

May be the time is not right.

The divine blessings are preserved for when you need it the most !

श्री राम 🌹🙏🏽

56th Birthday

I am 56yrs today. 

A time to reflect. Lived my life. Don’t want to go back to that time. Not to the darkness but towards light. 

Not having LOVE in my life is making me use that tenderness I feel to be applied to BHAKTI. 

If I can LOVE a human so deeply THEN that teaches me how deep I can go in SPIRITUALITY. 

भिर्रररर

Last night, I attended this wonderful play called भिर्ररर. It touched a chord in me. 

The story opens with introduction of the main character and her mind. The main character played by Janhvi and her mind given a human form played by Mayuri. The story has roots in a village called Abdul Laat, which survived historical invasion by building the facade of a masjid in front of a temple. 

This survival is the foundation on which भिर्ररर is built, through narrative, ओवी Ovis, movement. It is very sensitively told by Janhvi and Mayuri. Both actresses are dancers which brings fluidity, into not just the movements, but expression and what they build on stage for you to experience. It takes through the life of the woman. Her first broken dream of education, marriage, childbirth, aspirations and hope. Hope that persists.

It touches upon farmer death, the incapacity of a man to survive. While the woman stands up, faces the world, the changing gaze of society, patriarchy and still stands in the mud and blooms like a flower. Not just alone, but she builds a garden. Empowering women, other women, the way she knows. Adapting to the new world ! 

Many questions are asked and left for you to learn what is literacy and what is education ? To live life in a FLOW that is NATURAL. 

It ends on a very tender note where she rest just a bit to dream.

Go watch it ! 

My darling Janhvi Marathe who pours her heart and soul into a character. Sings beautifully and shines in folk which is her forte`. Love her timbre built on classical training and inherited musical genes.

Mayuri compliments equally well. Lithe performer. Carries herself well through the play. The story is her credit. 

The name भिर्ररर is quizzical just like the many हुमण / riddles they use. Go find the answer because you can’t guess it sitting at home. Be in the theatre. Next show in Andheri. 

A special mention for my dearest Trupti Marathe for opening the show with such brilliance that only a good soul can get to theatre when requested to fill in instantly !

Must mention about the venue. Shakti thank you for creating a space in your grandparents memory Jayshree & Jayant  Salgaokar Experimental theatre that allows young talent to bring such stories and performance.

Tickets 🎟️ 

https://in.bookmyshow.com/plays/bhirrrr/ET00505295

Scandalised

Do you understand the meaning of ILLICIT ? 

In a family there is a brother and sister. The brother is younger. 

The sister gets married into an EVIL family. During her divorce she is accused of ILLICIT relations with her younger brother. 

Great strategy to get a divorce no? 

What happens to the life of that girl ? What happens to the life of the brother?

SCANDALISED.

That EVIL family is STILL not done. They are now fighting for the inheritance of Brother - Sister’s family.

I wonder what these people are made of? 

In The Beginning There Was Bombay Duck

Like good friends who spot me on TV and never forget to send me a screengrab. Poonam sent a picture of the book she was reading when she found me mentioned in the pages. In The Beginning There Was Bombay Duck by Pronoti Datta. 

In 2023 Pronoti the author of this book interviewed me and over a few more interactions she tried to understand a bit about Koli food, culture, anthropology and my personal history.

I requested her to send me a signed copy of it. She promptly sent it. Thank you🌷 

It’s 26 yrs ago someone had taunted me शेवटी जातीवरच जाणार! I quietly keep doing what I have to. Leaving an imprint on this globe 🌏 👣 👣 👣

P.S : Nudging other writers who have used my inputs to send me their books, media, research papers etc after publication. I shouldn’t have to ask no?

The Curse of the Hutatma

जय महाराष्ट्र 🙏🏽

This is the statue of "Martyrs carrying a Flame" in the Fort precinct next to the Flora Fountain. A dedication to the lives laid down for a unified Maharashtra along with Mumbai!

My head bows to them who fought for a Marathi speaking Mumbai to be integrated with rest of Maharashtra.

These Hutatma foiled the evil intentions of politicians to create an independent Mumbai city.

Mumbai prides itself for letting people earn a living here in this city but its soul is undeniably Marathi and nothing can change that!

———————————————————

There is a personal story attached to the Hutatma chowk. 

When I look back at my Cooper family history I see the family has suffered severely. The walls of this house wailed of grief and pain even when I got married into this family.

1. A young Behram kaka leaving home and dying in London.

2. Inspite of he being a social worker and reformer. He founded the Student’s lending library, the DPYA school and the Perviz hall for widows. Adi my father inlaw had a heart attack and fell on the road.

3. Grandmother inlaw Arnavaz after loosing her 2 sons and my mother inlaw Chandan after her husband died in depression. 

4. Aban went through divorce, daughter was kidnapped by husband. She went into severe depression due to being separated from daughter and a broken marriage. Dying in transit while returning from a holiday in Panchgani when she was not even 50 !

5. My husband Ardaviraf who died of heart failure at the age of 51.

I was wondering why ? 

The connection I see is this…

I never knew I would marry into a family that was connected to the Morarji administration. My grandfather inlaw M P Cooper was Secretary to the CM.

The 1955 massacre of 106 demonstrators of Samyukta Maharashtra chalval were fired upon. Those are the Hutatma and that is the chowk in their memorial.

On 1 May 1960 Maharashtra state was formed.

Leaving out villages from Karnataka that spoke Marathi like Belgav, Bidar, Karwar etc. Later in 1969 when there was a fight for linguistic borders to be included Morarji ran his car over demonstrators killing 2.

Every year on this day I seek forgiveness on behalf of COOPER FAMILY even though no one is alive anymore from those that were killed and harmed. Their families that were affected by this inhumane act.

🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️