Love Needs No Permission

A core memory from Aug 2008

Love needs NO PERMISSION. 

Did he ask me when he said something to me on the trek that night ?

I held back. 

But once I accepted my feelings I did NOT need his permission to LOVE him.

D says it has to be mutual. Right mutual when it goes beyond the mind and dreams and becomes physical. 

Well when you are two people who don’t take it there on a whim. It stays in the dreams.

A case of being too good, compliant individuals of social norms. 

Such people struggle thru life. We only learn SELF CONTROL. 

Let it SHINE

We are destined to be together in the UNIVERSE.

Let the inner light SHINE.

Give because it is your Nature

My name is ANJALI and that has lent its characteristics to me as a person. 🤲🏽 those are the offering palms. 

It is easy to give I feel. It’s second nature for me to GIVE. 

Resistance takes more effort right ? 

You want to GIVE but you are holding it back. How hard that is ! 

Even Dams that hold hectares of water have to allow overflows sometimes…

Readapting Learnings

That is my debonair Dad !

Hard to follow in his footsteps. What he achieved in life is really remarkable. He was an administrator with MH Govt. He was also a certified Yoga therapist from Kaivalyadham college in Lonavala. Had a parallel Yoga practice. In the mornings he taught yoga to the crème la crème of Mumbai in 1970-80s. Co-founded MH govt’s Yoga Kendra for employees and ran it for 2 decades till in service. Plus came home and helped me with studies. How did he manage so much?

How I hated Dad being so busy. He was extremely disciplined in eating, health and managing time. I did not want to work so hard ever. From him I learnt to earn enough and retire early. I hated his clock work lifestyle!

It is said we fall in love with a man of the same kind as our Dad 🤦🏻‍♀️

Ahem ! That is exactly how 🏹 is !!!

If both of them ask me what did you learn from us? 

It will be this…

1. Create time slots for every thing you want to do in a day or on weekends and holidays.

2. Do everything you like. Duties, hobbies, experiences etc.

3. Minimum social interaction.

4. High performing. Something I limited in my life.

5. Dad was debonair 🏹 needs to buckle up 😉

6. Most importantly both focused single minded on health. I am a black sheep🙅🏻‍♀️

7. Dad ate little but loved his sweets. His mantra was eat 80% of stomach full. 🏹 He doesn’t like to eat. His famous dialogue is “eat to live”. 

8. Both are spiritual but different paths.

{Dad loved me and was my support till his last breath. 

🏹 did not choose me. I can never forgive his Dad for coming to my home and jeopardising whatever we had between us while maintaining a halo 😇 That’s a fact ! Yet that didn’t change my feelings. They have stayed intact till date. His Dad should regret his actions. Yes I am able to say this now after 2 decades of suffering.}

In recent years I have lost all the discipline I ever had. So I have decided to bring back structure in my life. I have decided to socialise more because I need it. So I have joined a culture club through which I get to attend music events, wonderful lectures, poetry sessions etc. It is now 13 years since I take up assignments only if I enjoy doing them which is rare. I flip between well dressed and casual. Will try to follow Dad in that matter. Got back to CrossFit and will stay on it for my own good🤞🏽Eating is indulgence for me. What to do NO ONE LOVES ME ? 😿 It’s hardest to change my relationship with food. 

READAPT LIKE THE RIVER IN ITS FLOW. 

What I learnt from my life?

What life has taught me?

Happiness is within. I am a happy person.

I was just in 4th standard when I remember my Dad took us, Aai n me to Gondavale. Ever since Shree Gondavalekar Maharaj’s teaching have guided us. 

My father went to Malad for 25 years to listen to Professor K V Belsare’s lectures on Dnyaneshwari and Shree Maharaj. What he listened to he would come home and share with us. Dad read the daily pravachan and Shree’s biography every year during Punyatithi Utsav. 

Professor KVB lovingly addressed as Belsare at first and then over the years as Baba Belsare was a professor of Logic & Philosophy in Mumbai. We were blessed to have him as mentor. It continues through his several books and literature. 

This has been a HUGE influence in my life. 

There have been incidents that made me dejected and sad but I am still able to have a happy heart. 

I have lost my Aai, Husband and Dad to death. Especially Dad is my biggest loss! 

I have lost relatives due to our differences in thinking.

I have had heartbreaks. People blame those who suffer multiple heartbreaks. But don’t realise that even in arranged marriages the boy and girl goes through a process of meeting MULTIPLE alliances before settling for one. It is the same in LOVE. The whole process is about finding compatibility by elimination!

I have seen both matchmaking and LOVE. I recommend LOVE. Trust me traditional matchmaking was a terrible experience NO GIRL should go through!!!

Being the woman that I am my father always told me I don’t require a man !

Obviously he meant men who came from regressive backgrounds. 

In my life my choice of men changed over time. First I tried to fit in. Then I knew exactly what I wanted. Yet when I married I accepted things that were very regressive initially BUT I worked on changing things. My husband changed slowly. Accepting what was right. It was also because of the commitment I had in our husband-wife relationship. Else it isn’t easy to change old habits.

That is how life is lived. Fix things and keep the work in progress. Nothing is permanent or a line carved in stone. 

I myself have evolved over time. At the core I am a seeker of happiness. 

Materialistically especially in school we were taught to choose a rich man and we were trained to be a good wife, keep a beautiful home, cook every ones favorite food, entertain and breed children. I realise now, how regressive that was ! 

I never was like that. I chose intelligent men. Men who made their own life better. Who knew how to live. In marriage somethings were not true nor were they perfect. I knew what I had chosen so there was no chance to complain. We worked on the challenges. 

Who ever I loved in my life have a lasting influence. Undeniably they were part of my life. I don’t understand how people deny having past lives? 

I identify with a sunflower 🌻 always facing the sun and blooming. Finding my happiness even after episodes of sadness. They are but only episodes right?

Like recently was listening to Prof K V Belsare’s discourse where he narrates Shree Maharaj saying, “There  is absolutely NO reason to be sad in life. If you are unhappy then it should be about FORGETTING GOD !”

I am truly blessed I have such a mentor who continues to guide me even after his passing away in 1998. I have been fortunate to have got his blessing and one on one time which has left an indelible impact on me. 

🙇🏻‍♀️🌹🙇🏻‍♀️🌹🙇🏻‍♀️🌹

AND FINALLY when it’s not SPIRITUALITY it is RAJ YOG that I am lucky to enjoy ☺️ 😉

He is Precious

Born on 28 October 

Every one trying to tell me I am giving him too much value. 

I should know. He is Precious. 

The side of him that I have seen others have not seen.

He is the most humble person I have known. Inspite of actually doing a lot he always stays away from limelight.

I can sing endless praises but you will blame me of being biased.

I have received a lot of kindness. I don’t want to say anything more.

If I have not been able to forget him for 2 decades is it possible now ?

Life will go on. He will continue to dazzle the world.

In my corner I will continue to cheer him on the loudest !

Keeping him in my prayers always 🙏🏽🌹 

May he be protected from the evil eye. 🧿 

हळवं मन

I have been listening to a lot of music since past 2 months. Especially Marathi songs because they have beautiful meaning. While I had cried at the theatre after watching Bhirrr I have never really cried. 

Just now I was listening to these songs and I felt a warm tear roll down my cheek. Some memories some feelings and a longing to see him. 

I will continue writing ✍️ someday AI will find this and its intended recipient may read it. 

I won’t say it here. It’s only for your ears 🏹🌹

Why this sudden eruption ?

After I returned from Bangalore in 2012. After the heartbreak and heart incident. I wonder if he ever got the news? 

I quit the Corporate job and felt insecure about life and being single. Dad was aging too. Every one was telling me to move on. I was very angry 😡 because my dreams had shattered more than once ! 

Destiny had other plans. I got married. Unfortunately Arvi passed away too soon in just 2 yrs 10 months of our marriage. We were introduced a 1yr before marriage. It had a lot of lows and fewer highs. His health was bad and not monitored. When we did find out that his heart was on very low LVEF there was nothing we could do. However I ensured there was a doctor available on call when we travelled. On the night before he passed away he poured his heart out to me of all the struggles in his life. He told me his wishes and that he loved me. I think that is what I earned in my marriage !

My attempt to accept life as handed out and making peace with it continued. 

In just 3 months I started getting proposals for remarriage. I was completely done with men. I did not want to be carrying the whole burden in a marriage. I did not want anyone who was dependent on me to do all the chores at home, feed and take care of a man ! 

Plus most people carried past baggage. I did not want a broken man. 

That is when I started thinking of 🏹 again !

He was someone who would do things for me. I craved that protection, safety and trust. There are so many things I am not comfortable mentioning here even if I have listed out those very things in my mind. 

Then there are so many things I told about 🏹 to my husband. My husband being a good man would feel bad that my dream was shattered. I had found a great friend in Arvi as a husband. 

Then when I started travelling solo all my deeply buried thoughts surfaced up. I think about 🏹 all the time. It has led to Quantum consciousness. Like when after 11 yr gap I called, he was undergoing spine surgery. We did not talk then. Ever since I have been wanting to take care of him. It’s a dominant feeling. I just want to be around him. 

Then I called again in May 2024. We were talking to each other after 13 yrs. It felt magical 🥰 I could not believe it!  It had happened ✨

Life is such a surprise. None of the past can be changed. What control do I have over my life ? Who knows what’s in the future ?

What I feel is our deep connection. There are unprocessed feelings that need to be sorted. 

Meanwhile I am experiencing this. He 🏹 said he too has become more spiritual. Infact this was what was common between us right from the beginning. For him Orthodox Astrology was base for me simply Bhakti. I sometimes wonder how we would have been growing together on the spiritual path?

DOES MY AUTHENTICITY MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE ? 

I Will Always Stay The Same !

I Will Always Stay The Same ! Someone said this to me. I being mature enough to know I just smiled and said, “I do want you to be the same.”

It is intrinsic to nature to change. Seasons change.

This conversation I recollect today because that Someone lives rent free in my heart n soul. 

It was one year when he was running in the marathon on 2 Oct he had a ligament tear. He did not rest. He would hop around everywhere at work. Very adamant as he is always. 

I still remember the glass corner cabin where we were sitting and he got up to go for our team meet. I scolded him and told him to stay at home for a bit. He cheekily said, “I will be the same when I grow old!” rubbishing me with the shake of his hand. 

Yeah I have an elephant’s memory. I remember the minutest details of our time together and our conversations.

Proud to see him well preserved though life has added a slight rounded appearance with 20yrs passing by. 

I continue to cherish him. 

In Mangalore for 4hrs

On 11 June 

At this exact hour of the day I was eating Mooday with Hingu chutney at my friends The Raos, Shilpa, Sunil, Shashank and my darling Shamita’s home in Mangalore. 

A lunch I enjoyed a seafood feast Shilpa slogged over two days to feed me. So thoughtful she went extra miles to make the curries in terracotta pots and letting them mature overnight. The banana leaf she served with so much love, skill she inherited from generations of mothers before her. The GSB cuisine that she carries forward with elan for her family. Gratitude for this wonderful opportunity for me to eat at her table. 🙏🏽🪻

1. Red rice

2. Bangda tikle with tirphal. Lipsmacking and fragrant. 

3. Prawn Kairi and drumstick curry. Tangy goodness carrying the whispers of summer. 

4. Rava coated silver fish. Crisp and crunchy.

5. GI Tagged Mattu Gula brinjals and drumstick bhaji. The meaty brinjals with tender drumsticks that were super succulent.

I enjoyed every morsel. I would have asked for a bed to lie down but the car was waiting to take me to the airport. Guys ! and a big tumbler of  Gadbad from Ideal was thrust into my hand to eat on the go !

The 7kg CARE PACKAGE ! What is your reaction to this ? 

I am feeling vulnerable to share this. Please don’t put an evil eye 🧿 on the LOVE & FRIENDSHIP !

It is pure indulgence by Shilpa and the Rao family. She has always been like this. From the first time I met Shamita as a 7yr old and Shashank as 10 yr old. I have only received loads of ❤️ 

I have only gratitude for the friendship and bond. 🙇🏻‍♀️🤩

I am not even able to utter a Thank you. How do you thank them for this Enormity ? I am just deeply absorbing all the joys, thoughtfulness, kindness, generosity and emotions 🖤 

A most Good Food laden 4 hrs in Mangalore! 

Love & Religion

This is how I live. I carry LOVE in my being so leaving it to your observation what you see in this picture. 

In Koli there is a saying उंडरा फोडून चवरी नाय दाकवाची. Don’t break the modak to show the filling. Which means some things have to be kept shrouded in mystery! 

Scorpio 🦂 is very good at it unlike the flamboyant Leo 🦁

In the last 20yrs LOVE has morphed my life. So I know a little about it. Though it is characteristically INFINITE. I can say this much LOVE & RELIGION both are a kind of MADNESS. 

A GOOD KIND OF MADNESS.

This because it is not a disease like Schizophrenia but ELEVATES a human life. It stays PRISTINE until it does not convert to society approved transaction. I mean marriage. Oh and now we have LIVE IN approved by LAW. What does it mean? Social norms evolve !

Some people are EVOLVED enough to use that HUMAN LOVE for SPIRITUAL PROGRESS. 

BHAKTI is LOVE. Whether that is for a Human or DIVINE.

On my front trying to live at peace with LOVE. My LOVE doesn’t depend on the subject of my BHAKTI.

The DIVINE accepts it. 

श्री राम 🙏🏽🌹 श्री गोंदवलेकर महाराज 🙏🏽🌹

Psychologist says 9

The last line is what it is !

I AM ALIVE.

Shree Gondavalekar Maharaj held my hand and stopped me.

When the person who caused the TRAUMA and left me to suffer because she did not have time to reply to my messages. 

Why get into POLICING when you cannot do SUPPORT? People DO NOT realise there is a RESPONSIBILITY they need to carry.

I struggled but came out of it. Got some support through friends who I called home to stay the night with me. Physical presence makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE. 

It was CRUCIAL. 

Some friends like D who stayed on Chat. Understood my state. D tolerates me when I have these phases. She is always firm. Some friends who talked to me on phone. Some just listened. It took a village to help me. 

 

Most people don’t care if you are alive or Dead. 

The hardest part is living alone and surviving. 

I AM STILL ALIVE.

श्रीराम 🙏🏽🌹 श्रीगोंदवलेकर महाराज🙏🏽🌹

Psychologist says 8

I thought I never cared for validation from the world. However when it is your close coterie it means a lot. When it’s family we think they are not like minded. However close coterie are ones you choose because they are like minded.

Validation of a certain thought or action is also important. A situation could be more complex than your friends are aware of. So instead of rapping the knuckles directly all that one expects is a little questioning into why a certain action was done. 

An innocent memory blows up into moral policing. High handness and non support. That tiggers TRAUMA. It was done intentionally! 

Shutting off a voice. 

The difference is when D corrects me she also sees me through it. She doesn’t abandon me. She has been my support all through the 20yrs in this matter. Her language isn’t hurtful. She knows a lot about my life and she takes that into consideration when she voices her opinion. I know she gets angry with me. However she always listens to what I have to say. I too get angry but I am assured of validation. 

If anyone means to correct anyone be sensitive because your validation matters to the person. What do you do with all the information you had about me? About the life I live, the circumstances I face everyday. Inspite. That I continue to hold my CHIN UP ! 

This whole episode had a BUTTERFLY EFFECT ! 

The fear mongering that led into unimaginable DARKNESS. 

Be more responsible with your opinions my close coterie people. It could be dangerous for the suffering one.

I DON’T expect it from the whole world. 

THE WORLD IS HARSH.

Psychologist says 7

I am a survivor! Through everything that I have lived through I have floated literally. Not because I am not sensitive. I am. However the strong belief that the tribulations of life does not affect my soul, never allow it to affect. This is what Shree Brahmachaitanya Gondavalekar Maharaj teaches and I have survived on it. Infact I have told my loved ones that my happiness does not depend on them. Something my Dad lived by, he would tell me n Aai, that his first relationship was with Shree Maharaj ! It used to make me possessive. Yet I was trained by that conviction. I am happy because my soul is happy. There have been challenges but I know I am protected. That is why I have survived ! 

श्री राम 🙏🏽🌹

 

मनभावन श्रावण with Dr. Dhanashree Lele

A lovely evening exploring मनभावन श्रावण with Dr. Dhanashree Lele. Her research and command over the subject made her lecture truly delightful. She revealed Shravan through literature, poems, songs, Ovis and Santawani. 

About Shravan being the time to breed, grow and generally the moistness makes us soften. The festivals teach us to give in this period. How it is about being in jodis because nature and the creator wants us to flourish. She left us pondering on the loss of these values and traditions.

Being an educator she uses a screen  presentation to add effect. Her distinctive style of delivering this talk interspersed with anecdotes kept everyone engrossed for 2 hrs. 

Shrirang Bhave sang ‘आई असते श्रावण’ to close today’s program. Kudos to DSM for bringing to us such cultural rich experiences 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

I am making it a habit to dress up for these events like in my childhood when we went to watch Marathi theatre. My Aai always wore silk sarees and a gajra in her hair. Baba in his posh clothes too. Followed by a meal at one of the Marathi restaurants in Girgaon. Those were wonderful times that I am reminded of today…

Cut to now…As I stepped out of the Chabildas school Shree Krishna Batatawada beckoned. Brought home a parcel and ate with Pav I had at home. Dessert was 2 bananas. 

A magical evening indeed !

Psychologist says 6

Thankfully even when Hijacked I did not make wrong choices. Just tried to make the best ones in the midst of it!

BUT THIS BAD EXPERIENCE HAPPENED TOO

Sometimes we see 🚩 red flags but take the risk. Like the ONE I hired. She wanted me to hide that I engaged her. Right from the start her talk was dicey. Her body language gave me hints. The overacting told me that she was not genuine. Fake presentations, turning her back to me to hide her evil intentions. I saw through everything. My mistake was trusting her, we shared a history. She is a SMOOTH SWINDLER. Made me sign agreements. Took my money and did not fight for me. She looted me and almost made me bankrupt! 

What she is doing is wrong. I have fought with her. She tried to justify that it was her fee for advice. Well she has sowed the seeds of BAD KARMA. I am here to watch her downfall and the world will be witness too. The RULES OF THE UNIVERSE take over from here. Loss of Matru Chaya is the beginning. The solution is to return my money. To SAVE HERSELF.

First Contact

I was just going back in time. The first time after a decade, 11 yrs to be exact. I randomly thought I must talk to you. This was some months after my Dad had passed away. I had a deep urge to reconnect. 

That first contact wasn’t coincidence. I understand it now. Though it was a random thought which I acted upon.

Were you expecting me to call ? How would I know about your surgery?? We don’t have common friends who will share info about each other right ? Or may be you do.

I am writing here like as if you read my blog. May be you might someday read this. 

May be one day you will not fight the reality of your emotions and thoughts. May be you will accept the TRUTH. 

Psychologist says 5

This is what it is ! Please don’t blame the person suffering. The person understands but is helpless due to impact of the trauma. How much can one person take? Teen years struggling in a joint family. Loss of mother at 24. Heartbreaks. Late Marriage. Loss of husband in short span. Fighting Legal battles with greedy people. Being cheated by Solicitor. 

Now friends who think they are helping me heal and inflicting more trauma !

Just imagine if you lived my life ? But we never do that ! 

STOP !!!

KINDNESS IS BEING SUPPORT.

Psychologist says 4

This is 100 % true. I will add that the intent to cause FEAR is at the back of it all. Following it neglect and invalidation. If one does try to correct another there has to be support. Not clamping down of voice. It therefore indicates POWER PLAY. 

Psychologist says 3

My life, my journey, my pace. No rush. No right and wrong. Just deal with situation. Live in tiny moments. Happiness is finding YOUR way through it.